Dear Fargo Shower Curtain

Dear Fargo Shower Curtain,

I can’t. It’s not you, it’s me. I just don’t want you touching me right now. You wanna know why? Alright, I’ll tell you. It’s your unidentifiable stains. I don’t know how many others have touched you. From the looks of you, though, I’d say a lot. And, those black spots. Are they mold or something else? I have gotten very good at balancing so that certain things don’t touch me: ie going to the bathroom on the bus or at rest stops. Also, I can create a barrier from hotel sheets and floors , but the shower curtain is tough to avoid without causing a flood.

We are only in Fargo for one night. We drove a long, long way from Omaha to get here today. I was hoping I would run into one of the Coen brothers here, but no luck. I do hear a lot of people saying “Eh?” but I don’t know if they are actually saying that or if I’m just hoping that they are. We are playing the Fargodome tonight, which is a huge, beautiful stadium. Every time we play a stadium, I feel like I’m on tour with The Rolling Stones. Except, that, I’m like Mick’s mom or something.

Today is Sam’s birthday and he’s celebrating his 12th birthday with the cast and crew here. His birthday lunch was at 11 a.m. at an Applebees in Watertown, South Dakota. I’m assuming he’s the only one of his friends in AZ who celebrated their birthday that way this year. But, again, I am just assuming, so I apologize if I’m wrong.

Speaking of Sam, I really love hanging out with him. I do. It’s just that he really loves watching the Disney channel. All the time. And those shows have laugh tracks. I am pretty sure if we need to add an additional form of torture for war criminals, we can just play Disney tv show laugh tracks over and over and over. They would surely confess in lieu of hearing the wacky one-liners and those laugh tracks for more than an hour. This is why Addams Family cast and crew often find me in the lobby of a hotel, rocking back and forth on a lobby chair saying “I can’t”, over and over again. I would rather watch Fox News.

No I wouldn’t. That would be extreme.

Anyway, Sam graduated from 6th grade during intermission during Friday night’s show (watch videos below), and so, he’s free. All day long. Which means I now have to share a bus seat with him, instead of luxuriously lounging on my own seat while he was in “bus school.” Day one of this situation resulted in us yelling at each other as to whether or not “Anchorman” was funny, and me storming off to find a different seat. Tomorrow we get to have our own seats as part of the “swing seat” schedule, and I’m wondering if I can start buying off the other cast members to give me their swing seat every day.

Well, I should go. I need to read up on the history of Fargo and also tomorrow’s venue: Sioux City, IA. If that kid is not going to be in school, I’m going to make him just as miserable by making him memorize state trivia. Anything to get him to turn off Dog With A Blog (which, seriously offends me as a blog writer. Like a dog could do it. Hmmmmpf.)

And shower curtain. I leave early tomorrow, so I will not be seeing you again. Be well and take care of yourself. Or ask the ladies at the hotel to just disinfect you for the next guest. Do not be ashamed. You are part of the Country Inn & Suites chain of hotels. You serve great cookies.

Love,
Allyson Ochs Primack

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