My Christmas List

In honor of the holiday season, I am changing my “I hate” blog to a more family-friendly “naughty or nice” theme.  I’m still telling you what I hate, but because it is December, I am legally required to do it in a way that incorporates the holidays.  (It is also mandated by law that I make this list a peppermint, gingerbread or eggnog flavor.)

SECRET SANTAS:

NAUGHTY: An FYI for all adults out there who decide it will be “fun” to assign my child a person for whom they are to purchase gift items: remember: they are children.  They do not drive.  So guess who is schlepping to the store to buy said gift?  Hint: it ain’t the child.

NICE: I now have a legitimate reason to shop.  It was an assignment.

HOLIDAY GIFTS:

NAUGHTY: I never know who in the hell I’m supposed to buy crap for this time of the year.  Teachers? Of course. The mailman? I think it’s still allowed.  The newspaper deliverer: I’m pretty sure if I don’t, she knows where I live.  Plus, she gave me an envelope with a blank holiday card with her address on it. 

NICE: See above.  No one questions all the shopping this time of year.  Of course it’s not for ME.  I’m doing it for everyone else. 

MEDIA:

NICE: The # 1 movie in the nation for the last two weekends is “Frozen,” an animated movie voiced and sung by all Broadway stars (except for Kristen Bell, who can both act and sing).  The lead characters are voiced by actors from such shows as “Wicked,” “Book of Mormon” and “Spring Awakening.” So, you see, you can still get really high ratings without a country star. 

Also of note is the fact that tv shows such as “How I Met Your Mother” and “The Good Wife” continue to have Broadway actors as their guest stars every week.  And they have really high ratings too.

NAUGHTY: People are talking about Celine Dion as Miss Hannigan in the televised “Annie” for next year’s televised holiday musical.  (No they’re not.  I made that up.)

NEWS SHOWS:

NAUGHTY: Megan Kelly.  Seriously?  I will tell my kids that Santa Claus and Jesus were white when you admit that one is not real and one is Jewish.

NICE: At least we have Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Saturday Night Live for our reality tv. 

FACEBOOK:

NAUGHTY: People who beg for privacy in cryptic public posts on Facebook.

NICE: I still enjoy reading and discussing said posts with others because they want me to.  That’s why they put it there.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:

NAUGHTY: Being the only house on the block without holiday lights makes your house look like the loser kid on the bus.  Just sitting there, all slumped over and depressed.  Being Jewish can be so lonely this time of year.

NICE: Driving around looking at everyone’s lights because we have nothing else to do while you are all eating your Christmas hams and singing carols.)No, that’s ok.  We understand why we weren’t invited. Don’t worry about us outside shivering in the cold checking out your holiday cheer. We’re on our way to the movies anyway.)

ARIZONA WINTERS:

NAUGHTY: The way people bundle up when it is 50 degrees.  The fact that no one knows what to do here when there is a slight chill and there is a tiny bit of “frost” on the ground (cover the plants!  quickly or they will die!)  How do I defrost my windshield?  Should I call AAA? 

NICE: It’s 70 degrees today. 

FINAL NICE: Michigan State is in the Rose Bowl.  That is the best gift of all. 

Happy Festivus from your Momontour.

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One Response to My Christmas List

  1. Larry says:

    If your reality comes from shows you mentioned you are living in nonreality love you in spite of it all.

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