Quick note to Matthew McConaughey

Hi Matt, (may I call you that?)

I watched your acceptance speech last night and I’ve got a question: What happens if I catch up to me in 10 years and I don’t like what I see? What happens if 52 year old me is cranky, tired, overweight and going through menopause? Can I just say hi to her and then run backwards? Can I spend every day for the rest of my life running away from me in 10 years?

I’m glad you won the Oscar. I saw your movie at 11 am by myself on Friday so I would be fully prepared for my pre-Oscar viewing. My only issue is this: you are a man. You can just decide to lose 100 pounds for a movie and it will happen. Women our age just can’t do that. We can’t even lose the 10 pounds we are trying to lose for our son’s bar mitzvah. So although I’m very happy for you, it’s kind of not fair on many levels.

And finally, although you were probably as shocked as everyone in the musical theatre world was when John Travolta called Idina Menzel the wrong name, I just have to say I sort of feel bad for him. He’s old. He had a “senior moment.” I know that I myself keep calling my kids and my friends by the wrong names, can’t remember why I went to the grocery store, and never know the date offhand when I’m writing a check. I think that Adele Dazeem is probably a Scientology term and he thought he was at a church service.

So, I hope you enjoyed that pizza slice from Ellen. I’m sure you could have had 10 and have been able to button your pants just fine the next day. I know Jennifer Garner sitting behind you probably just looked at that slice, sadly sighed, and chewed on a piece of sugar-free gum to tide her over.

Alright, alright, alright.

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