I spend a lot of time pondering. I ponder whether I can get a prescription for medical marijuana for the medical condition called “kids on spring break for a week.” I wonder how I would look in Pharrels hat. Not so good, I imagine. I don’t look good in hats.
But mostly I have spent a lot of time wondering about Jesus. Jesus, who was, I am learning, apparently, quite a disapproving, judgmental fellow. And this confuses me because I know my Christianity facts. I saw both Jesus Christ Superstar and Godspell on Broadway. I thought Jesus seemed like an ok dude. He even looks like he could have been one of the Brothers Gibb. What went wrong? What made him decide to be so judgmental? Why is he so angry with everyone? Why are people preaching hatred and violence in his name?
But then it hit me: Jesus was Jewish. And at some point, he was like, ugh, I can’t take it anymore. I’m done being a Jew. I gotta start my own religion. This religion is tough. And I gotta say, I agree with you a lot these days, Jesus.
I mean, Jesus: Did you have to have a bris? What kind of a religion forces a mother of a newborn baby boy to have to host a huge party at your home 8 days past childbirth. During this legally required Jewish party, they circumcise your baby boy on your kitchen counter. Even if its granite. The sleep-deprived new mom with mussed up hair and 25 extra pounds, who is in agonizing pain due to stitches in her nether-regions, with milk spontaneously shooting out of her boobs, must, by Jewish law, provide deli trays, cookies and challah to the entire neighborhood. With a smile. I had 2 baby boys. I had to do that twice. I still have PTSD from the experience.
Oh Jesus: did you have a bar mitzvah? Us Jews force our prepubescent children: awkward looking, pimply faced, and seriously confused about who their real friends are, to hold a massive 13th birthday party. We make them memorize a whole bunch of words in Hebrew (that they dont understand), then stand up in front of everyone they know and recite those confusing words. We all laugh at them if they don’t pronounce them correctly. Then, by Jewish law, we most host a huge party. With a theme. And a DJ. And there must be fantastic food. Or there WILL be talk.
The Jews love their food, don’t they Jesus? Every event we have focuses on the food. But we must not eat it. It is fattening.
I’m planning a bar mitzvah now. It’s in 2 months. I’m so stressed out and it’s not me up there singing ancient songs off key. But I would rather stumble through Hebrew again wearing a training bra then deal with caterers and invitations.
Jesus: Us Jews sure know how to celebrate the seasons, right? In the fall we starve ourselves for a full day while simultaneously preparing a large feast. Our winter fun involves pretending we are not jealous of everyone else’s Christmas joy while eating potato pancakes. Then we celebrate spring by eating cardboard paper with horseradish for 8 days.
So yeah, Jesus. I get that you were bitter when you left Judaism. It is not that great. I get that you wanted to start your own deal. That Easter Bunny and Santa Claus thing sounds a lot more fun than what you used to have going on as a Jew. But what’s with all the hatred? Are you still pissed about the matzoh? Did you ever try butter on it?
And if you are not super angry, why do people keep using your name to justify doing bad things and hating people who are different? It’s like you’re the cool guy whose name they keep dropping to make their point. “Jesus said we should.” I used to use that excuse too in high school when I came home past curfew.
I just think it’s not fair to pin it all on you. Take it from a Jew who knows guilt and shame like the back of my hand. These words of hatred did not come from you. They come from people who need a celebrity spokesman to make their point. It’s like Proactiv using Adam Levine to sell their zit cream.
Well, Jesus all I wanna say is this: we might cut off your foreskin at 8 days old and make you throw a party when you are your worst age ever, but we would never say you told us to do it.
Nope. The Jews would never say that a historical religious figure could have forced us to do or believe or feel something we otherwise wouldn’t. We Jews have a much better and easier scapegoat for our religious shenanigans: our parents.