Green is not a good color for me. I have been told I am a winter or autumn and green is really more for the spring complexion folks. Which is why I have never been a fan of St. Patrick’s Day. I have also grown up thinking that anything that is green on a piece of food that is not a vegetable is actually mold. This is an Irish holiday, and everyone used to make their names Irish for the fun of it on this day growing up. This was fun for the Jennifer Smiths and Steven Jones’ of the world, who could add that O to the front of their last name and laugh at their new Irish last name. Not for me, though: Allyson O’Ochs.
Why do the Irish get a holiday where they celebrate how lucky they are? I grew up in a religion where we were always told how unlucky we are: The Jews were sent away to wander the desert, the Jews were always being persecuted, the Jews have big noses and unruly hair.
We also have our own language, called Yiddish. Yiddish is basically a way of saying how awful everything is, in words that only Jews understand. This is similar to games that children play when they are talking poorly about another child, but they don’t want anyone else to know what they are talking about.
And so, I have created my own holiday to honor my people. It is called Oy Vey Day. A Yiddish phrase, it means “oh, how terrible things are.” It will be held on February 29, because it only comes around every 4 years, and why should we be so lucky to celebrate something EVERY year?
The color for this holiday will be black. Why? Because it is slimming. And it matches everything. And if you see someone not wearing black on this day, we will not pinch them. We will just stare at them with silent judgment until they feel bad that they picked out the outfit that they are currently wearing.
We will drink black wine. Why? Because beer…. feh. It’s goyish. Wine is classier. We will also not eat anything that has food coloring in it. Why? Because it is chazeri (food that is awful, junk or garbage).
Our leprechaun? The Shemendrick. He steals all our fun with his bad news and bad manners.
Our four leaf clover? Luck? We don’t just find luck out in the forest! We have to work hard. Our people have always have to work hard. We make our own luck by making sure our children go to good schools and get good jobs so we can brag about them.
How will we celebrate this holiday? We won’t. We will complain and feel bad for ourselves until the next Jewish celebration: Purim. This is where we dress up in costumes (because we can’t celebrate Halloween-those people also persecuted the Jews), then we will have carnivals where children win goldfish, and we make them feel bad if they don’t take the goldfish home. Because they will die if you don’t.
GAY GA ZINTA HATE: Go in good health. Often said in parting but can be spoken with irony to mean, “go do your own thing.” So, you people go enjoy your St. Patrick’s Day. We will just sit here. Don’t worry about us. We’re fine.