Conscious Uncoupling

“It’s not you, it’s me.” “This is going too fast.” “I think I like men.” The first two comments were used several times on me in my dating life. The last comment should have been said to me by a certain fella but instead was something like “It’s not working out.”

Yes, breaking up is hard to do for lots of people. It certainly seems tough for celebrities like Gwenyth, what with all the tropical post-breakup vacations. So while she is mourning her loss via Pilates classes and Vegan Quinoa, I will take over her blogging duties. But instead of recommending $300 pillows, I will tell you about my awesome new bed in a bag set I bought for my master bedroom at the grocery store.

This week, Sam informed me my Facebook post about Rob Lowe on Ellen was “gross.” He told me it was too much info for me to share that Rob playing the saxophone was visual erotica for me. Little does he know that Rob playing St Elmo’s Fire on the sax has been my go-to imagine since I was a teenager.

Sam has been on Facebook since he was 9. Totally inappropriate, we let him create a fake account because he wanted to keep in touch with teenage friends he met in a show. It really was the only way for him to keep in touch because he didn’t have a phone yet. We waited until he was 10 for that. We are nothing if not discretionary.

Since that time, I figured out the Internet, and, as we learned from Avenue Q, the Internet is for porn. Not in my case, but, it has become a place to discuss things that our kids shouldn’t see. Especially Facebook as it is so easy to maneuver that my mom is on it. She is so impressed that my high school friends still “remember” her birthday.

So I feel now that it is time to do some breaking up of my own. With Sam. I believe I must de-friend my son.

Sam, you are almost 13, and apparently you are almost a man. So, I must release you from my world and send you off into a world of your own: Instagram.

I do not understand Instagram and I’m not planning on figuring it out. I have no room left in my brain to learn new things. Your friends are on it. Your showbiz pals are on it. And so is your 5 year old brother.

And so, Sam, I will see you again one day. In the kitchen, in the hallway, and even standing in the bathroom with me while I put in a tampon.

But not on Facebook, buddy. This place is all mine.

Note: you can check out my awesome new sheet set at Frys Grocery Store on Tatum and Shea in Paradise Valley, AZ. It was $34.99 on sale with my Frys card.

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