If You Give A Mom A Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie, she’s going to ask for a can of Diet Coke so she can feel better about the calories she just consumed.
When you give her the Diet Coke, she’ll probably ask you for a straw. So she can enjoy it longer and it will last her until the next meal. Plus, she needs the caffeine.

When she’s finished, she’ll ask you for a napkin. Because she won’t want her family or her friends to know that she just ate a cookie.

Then she’ll want to look in a mirror to make sure she didn’t get fat in the 10 minutes since she ate the cookie.
When she looks in the mirror, she will decide that she does, in fact, look fatter. Also, she will notice grey hairs and wrinkles that she never noticed before.

So, she’ll probably call the salon and make a hair appointment. And she will also schedule Botox.

When she’s finished making her appointments, she will get on the treadmill. So she will burn off the calories from the cookie.
She’ll start running. She might get even carried away and do sit-ups too.
She may even end up trying that yoga video that she bought from Target two years ago!
When she’s done, she’ll probably want to take a nap.

She’ll have to make the bed that her husband forgot to make this morning because he was too busy yelling that he couldn’t find his socks. Or his keys.
She’ll crawl in, make herself comfortable and fluff the pillow a few
times. She’ll think about the fact that they have had this same comforter since they got married. And that she doesn’t like it anymore. And that they should get a new one.

She’ll probably want to read one of her books she has been wanting to read but never gets around to because someone always wants something from her once she finally lies down to relax.

So she’ll start to read one of her books, and then her mind will wander. She will start thinking about all the errands she has to do before the kids get home from school. And all of the paperwork she has to go through that is sitting on the kitchen counter.

When she starts thinking about all of the things she has to do, she’ll get very stressed out. She will start making a to-do list so that she remembers all of the things she needs to do. And all of the things she needs to get from the grocery store.

When she looks around her nightstand for a pen and paper, she realizes they are all in the kitchen. And that the only things on her nightstand are used Kleenex and notes from her children about how she’s the worst mommy ever for making them go to bed.

Then she’ll have to get out of bed and shlep to the kitchen to find a pen and paper. When she gets there, she can’t find one fucking pen that works.

Which means she’ll need to add pens to her shopping list.

She’ll stand in the kitchen for a minute and forgot why she came in there in the first place. And then she’ll remember the pen. And the list of things she has to do. And she will get stressed out. And she will look at the refrigerator and wonder what’s in it.

Looking at the refrigerator will remind her that she’s hungry and thirsty.

So… she’ll take out another can of Diet Coke. And once she remembers that Diet Coke does not fill her up and it actually makes her jittery & hungry….

…..she’s going to want a cookie to go with it.”


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2 Responses to If You Give A Mom A Cookie

  1. Robyne says:

    Happy f… In Mother’s Day!!! Eh

  2. Kelli James says:

    Love you and Thank God for you!

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