Which of the following statements has never been used about me:

A. Wow, she sure loves Swedish fish!

B. She takes on way too much at one time. She’s crazy.

C. She is really horrible at parking.  Did you notice how her car has been keyed so many times? 

D. She sure is skinny.  Do you think everything is ok?

If you guessed D, you would be correct. 

You see, my dear readers, I have never ever lost weight because of stress or illness (although I did have a partially blocked bowel after Lauren was born and could drink liquids only.  That was awesome until I realized liquids includes vanilla shakes.) I love me some candy and ice cream, and it makes perfect sense that after a fundraiser/bar mitzvah/house on market few months, no one will be confusing me with the emaciated Hazel from Fault in Our Stars (I KNOW!  It was so SAD!  I LOVE to pay money to cry.  I can’t do that for FREE in my own home while watching the news so I’m glad I can pay to do it at the movies.)

This week, cheerleading was officially declared a sport by the AMA, which is awesome for my daughter the flyer who, like many 11 year old girls her age, seems to glory in the possibility of being injured. 

Sam opened up a production of “Peter Pan” this past weekend, which most people in the theatre world know is also an Olympic sport.  The first time we saw him in a professional production of Peter Pan in 2009, on opening night, the actor playing the crocodile chased Captain Hook right down the stage and then fell, face first, into the orchestra pit eight feet below.  The violin player broke his bow, but this young actor was thankfully o.k.  The most infamous video of a Peter Pan catastrophe in a town called Greenport at a school play is on YouTube and I have attached it for your enjoyment. 

When you see Peter Pan as many times as I have, you start overanalyzing it like a coach watching playbacks of the same game over and over in their mind.  Seriously, why is Nana the dog the only security system/babysitter that they have?  Those Darlings seem to be quite wealthy, surely they could have afforded more.  Why does John sleep in a nightgown and a giant top hat?  I would be so pissed if my kids disappeared for weeks and then returned with 10 more kids to raise.  And what the hell is Wendy saying at the end: “I’m so old now, Peter.  I’m ever so much more than twenty.”  What the hell?  Could they edit that script to maybe say 30? 

Next week, I am packing up and moving my kids and I to Detroit because my husband Ben Affleck is filming “Batman vs. Superman” there.  Oh, wait.  That’s not me.  But I am moving there for the month to send Lauren to overnight camp and to hopefully send Aidan to day camp with his future best friend: Seraphina Affleck.  (I may or may not have requested at said day camp to “place Aidan in a group with other children his own age who are in Detroit temporarily from the West Coast, just like him.”) 

I have decided that in order to properly write my “Momontour” book, I need to go back to the place where I grew up to gain the proper perspective on all that’s happened in my life so far.  Yes, just like Stephen King, I will be secluding myself in the woods to write novels.  Except that the woods are Huntington Woods which is actually a suburb and not a forest, but I digress.  I do think that I need to go to the place where I believed I would never grow up to reflect on what happens when you actually leave Neverland.  I did learn to fly, but I also realized that you have to battle Pirates and Indians along the way. 

On opening night this past weekend, the crowd was packed with over 400 theatre loving fans.  Every time Peter flew into the air or Wendy, John and Michael thought lovely thoughts and flew as well, the crowd erupted in cheers.  Every magical stunt that went off without a hitch received the roar of an audience that I haven’t heard since, well, being at a sports event.  When I watch my daughter get thrown into the air and land into the arms of the bases that await her without dropping her on her head, I love to hear the crowd go wild.  Theatre and sports are very, very similar.  You just have to know what’s at stake to really feel how much is on the line.

And so, when you watch the video below, remember it’s not when the set falls onto Wendy’s head that is the funniest or scariest moment for that cast.  It’s the next scene, when Wendy, who is tucked into bed for the scene, suddenly and without warning, gets yanked into the air by a stage hand who pulled her wire instead of Peter Pan’s.  And as young Wendy goes flying into the air, smack dab into a wall, you hear her shout “Oh, God!” and go running off stage in horror.  And when I stop hysterically laughing each time I watch it, it reminds me of my life.

Sometimes you have to be yanked out of your comfortable existence and hit a wall before realizing you just can’t take this shit anymore.

Peter Pan Greenport Fiasco:



**For more laughs at some other actor’s expense, may I also recommend The Miracle Worker in which Hellen Keller falls off the stage:



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