To the members of the press that have been HOUNDing me lately,
I feel I owe you an explanation. Things have been odd here at our house. There is a lot of movement going on, both day and night. You have sent your PUPPERAZZI to follow me around the house, checking out my every move. Today I found them peering around a corner as I made my coffee. They want answers. Well, I’ll give you answers.
We are moving to a new home. Yes, your records are correct. This is our 6th home in 17 years, so we are averaging one every three years. But let me explain. It is all Craig’s fault. My husband enjoys moving the way most men enjoy golfing or sex. He loves a project of any kind, and moving is a project that keeps on giving. He loves getting the boxes from the stores. He loves making the boxes with heavy duty packing tape. He gets jittery, flushed and tongue tied when discussing moving dates, home inspections, and close of escrow. He is as full of glee talking about our new neighborhood as he did discussing our children when they were first born.
We are like the 3 Bears with Goldilocks: this house is too small… this house is too large.. this house is too far away from the 101…… this house needs to much work… and this house is just right. Or so it goes as of July of 2014. Check back with me in 3 years.
But with 118 degrees here in Phoenix today, I would just rather move into the freezer section at Costco. It has everything I need in there. I don’t think human beings are supposed to reside in this type of heat. I fear we are all going to one day wake up and realize that we have melted down into teeny tiny people like in “The Incredible Shrinking Woman.” Only Lily Tomlin will be able to save us.
One of your Pupperazzi, Cosmo, turned 6 today, or 42 in human years. He’s the same age as me now, so I am feeling his exhaustion a little more acutely than the other members of this house. He doesn’t want to move off the bed, EVER. And we really, really don’t have the energy to move him either. So, Cosmo, we apologize for what you sometimes witness for about 3 to 5 minutes once a week. If we had the energy, we would forcibly move you somewhere else. I blame the heat, and our mutual age bracket. (Your younger sister Zoey has the good sense to run into the closet and hide until it’s all over. Or she just stays on the bed and licks our feet, which surely is some form of animal bestiality that I don’t want to think about.)
Tomorrow we journey to New York to pick up Sam from his happy place, Stagedoor Manor. We get a weekend of shows to see at camp, including Sam’s performance as Willard in Footloose. One of his costars is the daughter of a famous weather anchor. Without giving it away, I can tell you that my advice to him to successfully hit on his Footloose costar is to amble up behind her during rehearsal, lean in and whisper in her ear, “So, baby. What’s happening in your neck of the woods?” Sam is offended and will not participate. So I will have to resort to Plan B like I did last year and stalk out the creator of Orange is the New Black. Last year I just stared at her and wondered how she came up with all the ideas for Weeds. This year I may tell her the tampon on a sandwich scene really scarred me for life. I’m not sure how I’ll proceed.
Then we go to 6 year old Aidan’s dream come true: Washington D.C. and White House Tour. I’m afraid Aidan may break free of the tour and go running to look for Obama. But I’m glad there are Secret Service guys to tackle and stun gun him.
And then when we return from our journeys, we can continue to go back to the orgasmic journey of Craig Primack, Part 6, concluding on August 18. And I can go back to being disgusted with the fact that we own way too many boxes of crayons, markers, rubber bands and bottles of nail polish remover.
But, with all the danger and chaos in the world today, I am feeling at least happy that this is my chaos. The crazy thing about all of the fighting going on today is that it can all be traced to someone moving into someone else’s territory. People don’t like to have their homes and their land taken, and no one wants to be displaced by a group that doesn’t want them or their family there anymore.
But shooting missiles in the air or killing innocent people is not the answer. Maybe acceptance of change and realizing that we all want the same thing: a stable home, is the answer. Maybe Craig Primack is onto something: if you move enough times, and make changes along the way, you will finally figure out what it is that you want. If you allow your friends and neighbors to do the same thing, the world will be a happier place.
I don’t really think that’s why Craig is having us move, though. I just think he likes to pick out new paint colors.