Put On A Happy Face

After a day of rolled eyes, slamming doors and general misery, my 11 year old daughter turned to me before bed and said, “Did you ever have one of those days where you hate everything?” There were so many ways to answer that question. In my head, I was thinking of all the things I was hating in that very moment….

I hate when cupcakes are served at a fancy event. I have yet to find a proper way of eating them, and I end up looking like an asshole no matter how nicely I attempt to eat it.

I hate the “People” magazine “Sexy At Any Age” edition. They are just mocking us, because once you open it up, you can see that they really feel bad for anyone over age 30. It’s like when my mom used to tell me: “You were the prettiest one at the party,” and I knew she was lying just to make me feel better.

I hate when people say, “Hey, I have a favor to ask you. Can you call me?” No, because now you have asked me for two favors.

I hate that Arizona will be one of the last states to legalize gay marriage. We are racist, homophobic, and have the worst education in the country. This year we have had record floods and unheard-of swarms of mosquitos. It’s like we are being punished by the gods. We should look out for frogs.

I hate that Howard Stern has so many good guests on his show every day. I have not been able to get out of my car in weeks. Why can’t we tape record the radio onto our boom boxes like we used to?

I hate that every single t.v. show right now is about creative serial killers or plots to kill the President. I miss the “Dynasty” era when all of the shows on t.v. involved women beating the shit out of each other for an 80 year old wealthy guy.

I hate that the actors in “Gone Girl” described the main character Amy as having the ass of a 20 year old. They showed us her ass, and I’m positive mine never looked like that. You Hollywood guys are putting so much pressure on the poor 20 year olds out there.

Those were the things I was hating yesterday. Tomorrow I will have a brand new list. And so, my motherly advice to my daughter was as follows: Every day I hate everything. I have felt that way since 1980, as evidenced by an entry in my Hello Kitty Diary. I apologize, Emily, but you were a little bit too big for your britches for a four year old.

Even your six year old brother Aidan properly gave the definition of the word “disappointed” at school in his vocabulary notecards last week. I also have to agree with how he dealt with the assignment, “use the word disappointed in a sentence.” He gets it even now.

The key to being a “mature grownup” does not involve getting rid of these feelings. Don’t flick them away or squash them like you should do to our illegal, illiterate, anti-gay Arizona mosquitos No, you need to internally embrace them, accept them, grumble silently to yourself, and pat yourself on the back for feeling this way. Then, you must put on a fake happy face for the rest of the world. Because although most people feel the same way the things that annoy you, they don’t have the guts to actually say them out loud. And in a world where we have to constantly be “politically correct,” it’s hard to be able to air all our grievances even if that’s what our forefathers really wanted us to do.

Pick your battles, and occasionally tell someone that what they are doing/feeling/saying is morally/legally/ethically irritating. It’s ok to occasionally roll your eyes or slam a door or yell and scream.

Keep on feeling all of your feelings, and keep laughing to yourself about the insanity of most of the situations that you find yourself in. If you stop realizing how annoying and absurd the world around you can be, you will start taking it all too seriously. And that’s a problem I, as your mother, will not allow you to have.




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