Family Feud

There are not many t.v. shows that our entire family can watch together. Certainly, there are very few that I watched as a child that are still on today. The one exception to that rule is “Family Feud.” The family trivia show that everyone can enjoy has been on as long as I can remember. The hosts have changed throughout the years (Richard Dawson, Louie Anderson, even Puddy from Seinfeld did a stint!), but it is now being run by Steve Harvey, who is actually a great host. The problem is, I don’t know who is writing this show anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s the staff writers from Playboy Magazine. Every question has a sexual undertone, and even the “family friendly” questions that do not involve sex always have a sexual answer in there. On a recent night I spent watching the show with my 11 year old daughter and 6 year old son, the question was, “You should never argue with a woman when she’s holding …” My answer: a grudge (not up there.) Lauren’s answer: a knife (yes.) Aidan’s answer: a gun (#1 answer.) For the remaining answers, we all guessed shoes and frying pans and even “baby”, but to no avail. The last answer that 100 people surveyed when asked the question, You should never argue with a woman when she’s holding, apparently all answered: “Your weiner/sag bag.”

Which got me to thinking: Really men? Is that your biggest fear? That a woman who may be mad at you is doing so while holding your dick? I don’t think that’s going to happen, for several obvious reasons.

But, when I analyzed it further, I wondered what you were worried we would do while we were mad and holding your manhood? Pull it? Punch it? Flick it? Squeeze it really hard?

My 13 year old son says that the worst pain in his entire life is when his younger brother punches him in the balls (i.e. SAG bag-which is a hipster expression I have never heard of) I’m sure it hurts when you get punched there. I don’t question it. I just have a lot of trouble pitying any of it.

We women are blessed with vaginas. As anyone who has had both a baby boy and a baby girl know, the girl parts are much harder to clean. From the very start, it’s already much more complicated to have lady parts. As we grow, everyone gets to giggle at our growth (or lack thereof) of our breasts. I’m pretty positive no one is able to catch a guy’s balls starting to descend from the outside of their jeans. Yeah, I know you get underarm, leg and facial hair, but guess what: we do too. And we have to shave ours the minute it starts growing. As we get older, our need to hide our hair is so intense that we allow a person to pour HOT WAX all over our bodies to make sure not one unwanted hair will grow. (This is especially goes for pubic hair, which if you are a guy, does not get shaved or waxed unless you are a swimmer. Porn stars have made it very difficult for us ladies to feel confident with any amount of pubic hair except for a nice, clean “landing strip.”) The bikini wax is just, well, the only comparison I can give is if you poured HOT WAX up your butt because that’s basically what we do too. Not one hair out of place, right ladies?

And then there’s the blood. Yes, fellas, for 8 days each month we get to worry that when we get up from a chair or couch, we have left a stain that will leave homicide teams wondering who died there. They do make adorable things to help stop the “flow,” and I’m sure you would just love to have a string hanging from your penis all day too. Sorry if you are jealous.

We get to squeeze people from our bodies after nine months of feeling the joy of it growing inside of us (joy can include: intense nausea, exhaustion, vomiting, and dramatic weight gain. Can also involve loss of waistline, self-esteem and sleep for a very long time.)

And then there’s the boobs. After they “grow up” and become “mom boobs,” they hurt like hell when you are pregnant, nursing, or even having your period. They serve no purpose except to turn men on and to feed the children. Otherwise, they mostly get in our way. They jiggle when we exercise, make us look heavy if they are too big, and require us to wear underwire bras for “support” which push wire into our ribcage all day long.

This past week I had a bad scare: a mammogram that yielded some negative findings. After that, I had to do another, more intense mammogram, followed by uncomfortable ultrasounds and some intense doctor exams. I am incredibly grateful that I do not have cancer. What it turns out to be is that I seem to have two giant bags of nerves hanging on my chest. You see, when you are a woman and you have (a) stress or (b) caffeine or (c) estrogen: all of which we have all day long, it can turn into painful cysts that literally be “hanging around” forever.

By the way, for those unaware: a mammogram is where we have to put our tender, always sore boobs into a giant machine that smooches them down into pancakes. The machine does this at least twice on each side and you must stand still and hold still even though you want to scream.

And so to those “100 people surveyed who are probably men:” do not be afraid if we are holding your “wiener/sag bag” while we are mad at you. The number one reason to not be afraid is because most women won’t be holding your penis unless she is really into you and is generally hoping it doesn’t stay flaccid for too long. Usually, if we are upset with you, the first thing we are going to drop out of our hands is the thing that makes you most happy when we are holding it.

The second reason is that if this angry woman is holding your penis and she “squeezes it a little” to make a point, I think you will be ok. Toughen that shit up, man. Even a pull or a tug is something you can deal with. If you can’t deal, just picture that woman putting your dick in a vice and cranking it down as tight as it goes and telling you to hold still and not move. She will do this at least 4 or 5 times.

That’s the kind of stuff that should freak you men out. From us women to you men, in the words of Katy Perry, “this is how we do.” (meaning, this is what we ladies do when we get a mammogram. I was trying to be all hip up in here fellas.)

Got it? So just go back to being worried about your pissed off lady holding a knife in her hand when she’s mad at you. Even a gun. Or waving your newborn child at you while she’s yelling at you for flirting with the waitress. All of these seem more realistic than her yelling at you while simultaneously holding the family jewels.

But, If, while she’s still mad at you, she then makes you lay down on the floor with your legs spread wide apart and stabs you in the balls. If you feel like the pain is going all the way in the back of your throat and you feel a burning sensation so awful that you want to scream out “Make it stop! Make it stop!”, please remember:

This is what we ladies call a pap smear.


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