Excuse Me, MIss?

Excuse me, miss? I just wanted to let you know that your butt check is hanging out.

I’m sure you know this. You probably think that this is sexy. And I’m sure to many it is. But not to us, your elders.

Listen, girls. Your foremothers had to endure corsets and hoop skirts. They had to pretend they enjoyed bell-bottoms and floor-length hippy skirts. My generation had to wear parachute pants and ZCavaricis. Do you know what those are? They are the most unflattering pants ever. We had to wear neon, for gods sake. Neon.

But you girls are in the age of the yoga pant. The stretch pants. The trendy sweatpants. You gals get to be comfy and still look adorable. You are so lucky. Even the jeans are flattering these days. They fit nice and tight at the ankle. Not one of you has to take a safety pin and wrap the bottom of your jeans tight to make your legs look better in jeans.

I know you think that showing off your ass cheek is a sure-fire way to land a man. And, it may be. But trust me when I say that the ass cheek, sadly, is the first thing to go as you get older. Like a deflated balloon, they start drooping lower and lower, until they simply cannot be raised into the air ever again.

You will learn how to rise out of the bed, post-coitus, and make sure that no one catches a glimpse of your sorry-ass. Forget the dressing rooms that have a three way mirror: even you won’t want to see it anymore.

Normally, I would not care how you girls dress. But I have a daughter who emulates what you older teenagers wear. And we ladies have come so far in today’s society. We are finally being taken seriously. We can do anything. We are “leaning in.” One of us might be president one day soon.

So please, stop doing this to us. Take that cute ass and show it off in a nice pair of Lululemon.

I’m sorry. I simply cannot turn the other cheek anymore.

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