Sweatpants and High Heels

This school year, I have three children in three different schools. One in high school, one in middle school, and one in elementary school. We live in Arizona, where we are “proud” to be #48/50 in the nation for the quality of our public schools. (And #50 in spending per pupil!) My kids are in two completely different school districts.  Everyone here has taken advantage of the open enrollment policy here, picking and choosing which are the “least worst” schools to send our children to. We spend a lot of time in our cars driving our children to schools all over town.  (Please note: we do have neighborhood schools.  It’s just that no one who lives in their neighborhoods will go to their own school.  They go to schools in different neighborhoods.)

Often, I drive my kids to school in my pajamas. Most of the time, I am overwhelmed and stressed out when I leave the house at 7 a.m. for my one-hour morning school-drop-off-drive. I don’t brush my hair (or my teeth) I can never find my shoes. It is very, very likely that I will be driving in sweatpants and high heels.

Last year, on my way home from school drop-off, I witnessed a horrific car accident. Forgetting what I was wearing, I bolted out of the car to see if the driver was o.k. So, on the main drag of Scottsdale, Arizona, I ran down Scottsdale road, hair askew, wearing my favorite “M & M” flannel sweatpants from Target, and my high-heeled wedge sandals from Saks Fifth Avenue.

Today, I was caught in a traffic jam on the way to drop off child #3 at school. Seeing a small gap in traffic, I sped up to a hefty 35 mph in a 25 mph area several blocks from our school. I was immediately pulled over by a motorcycle police officer hiding in a bush. While blocking traffic, he explained to me that he pulled me over because I was “at the head of the line of cars” and that “I set the tone of traffic. “ Since I was going a little fast, the people behind me felt that they could do it too.

I was the traffic trend-setter, and I was setting a bad example.

After he gleefully gave me a ticket and jumped up and down yelled out “cha ching!,” to his fellow motorcycle officer hiding in the next bush, I turned to him and took a deep breath. I calmly explained to him that adults make their own decisions. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would he jump too? I drive down the expressway here four times a day and constantly see people going 95/55 right in front of me. I don’t follow suit because I have realized that it is the trendy thing to do. He again told me that I was the traffic leader, and that those speeding behind me were just doing what they were told to do subconsciously by me.

And so, today I am joyful upon learning that I have magical powers of influence. I am a trendsetter. I can make other grown adults do exactly what I am doing. Just by driving my dirt-covered dark cherry mini-van a tiny bit fast in a non-school zone, I can convince total strangers to do the same. Wow! So then it got me thinking, what else can I convince people to do? With great power comes great responsibility, right?

Well, folks, close your eyes, and please listen to me: I hereby will you all to do the following:

Voters- Please stop encouraging Donald Trump-he literally might win the Presidential race and we are all going to have to start blaming all of the world’s problems on people of Mexican descent and on women who “bleed.”

Store Owners-Stop asking me if I am in your “system-“ I’m not and I don’t want to be. I don’t want your shopping “points” and I am only going to give you a fake email address.

Parents-Please don’t let your child start college until they are old enough to drive-better yet-let them just be kids.

Police Officers who say they are patrolling school zones to help “direct traffic,” stop saying that. We know what you are doing there.

Jared Fogle-please look up Josh Duggar in the phone book. You are going to need a celebrity pal you can relate to.

Celebrities-stop breaking up. It’s making me so sad to see all of you going your separate ways. It’s heartbreaking to think that a woman who continually gets pregnant by a man who tells her over and over on national television he doesn’t want children with her can’t physically force him to stay with her for the ratings. Can anyone make it if they can’t?

Well, I’m off to go convince more strangers to copy my every move. According to the Scottsdale police, I am very, very powerful. I am mesmerizing.

Perhaps it’s the sweatpants and high heels.


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One Response to Sweatpants and High Heels

  1. Linda Pauley says:

    Wearing flannel pants and heels (or mis-matched flip flops) driving carpool to school……when you notice you’re almost out of gas. The gauge needle is actually UNDER the empty line. Bwahahaha! Love your posts Allyson!

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