In honor of Yom Kippur 2015 (which is, in actuality, a totally different numbered year in the Hebrew Calendar): I present to you my current “I’m Sorry” List:
I’m sorry that I press no when they ask me if I want to end childhood hunger at the grocery store checkout keypad. I really do want to end childhood hunger, but I feel like there has to be another way.
I’m sorry that I eat things with gluten. I don’t know why, but I feel really guilty for that lately. For example, someone will tell me over lunch that they are gluten-free and they seem to be sad about it. But then I just nod and eat my bagel. I feel really bad about eating my gluten in front of you and I do apologize. I think it’s that I don’t really understand gluten allergies. Is it like peanut allergies and if I eat the gluten-filled food near you, could it possibly fill the air around you and make you sick? Can I kiss you after I eat gluten? I really need to read up on this more.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get into “Mr. Robot.” I tried to like it. All of the entertainment magazines said it was the best t.v. series of the summer, but I really didn’t understand it. My personal favorite show of the summer was “Odd Mom Out” because I am pretty sure it is actually based on my real life and no one wants to tell me because they don’t want to give me the royalties.
I’m sorry that I didn’t see “Straight Outta Compton” this summer. I really wanted to, but I just can’t sit still for 2 and a half hours. That’s too long for me, guys. These days I choose my movies based on their length, not on things like storyline or plot. I’ll see anything if it’s only 93 minutes.
I’m sorry that I have become cynical about award shows like The Emmys. When I was younger, it used to seem like the actors and actresses were beautiful royalty at a really cool ball. Now it seems like 4 hours of famous people giving awards to other famous people, none of whom make their living by trying to find a cure for cancer. Also, may I add, if you are going to an awards show and you are nominated for an award, please don’t tell us you “didn’t have a speech prepared.” You are really an asshole. Sorry. But when I was a kid and I showed up to school on a day where the teacher warned us several times that there could be a pop quiz, I was ready for anything. No teacher would allow a kid to waste 5 minutes of the test shouting about how they were so surprised about this and that they had not prepared anything.
I’m sorry but I think that when Hollywood pats its back about how non-racist t.v. is these days and then they only cut to black people clapping in the audience, that’s actually pretty racist. It’s like they are saying: Hey America! Here’s a whole bunch of black people who agree that Hollywood is not racist! So to you folks back home, please look at the strategic shots of all of the people of color in this auditorium tonight. They really are here… with us!
I’m sorry that my third child has not had much of a childhood. I’m pretty sure that when my older two kids were 7 years old, we took them to see The Wiggles in Concert and to “Finding Nemo” the movie. This past week alone, I took my 7 year old to see the horror movie “The Visit” and to the sex and murder filled musical “Chicago.” His favorite song is “Bitch Better Have My Money.” I’m sorry baby boy.
Finally, I’m sorry that I’m the only one in the world who realizes that Donald Trump is living out a real life version of “The Producers.” You guys: he never intended for it to get this far. Donald wants to be a failure. You are just not getting it. It was a joke. He he keeps saying the worst, most offensive things possible on purpose. He wants to be a bomb. But his Republican supporters are just like the clueless audience in “The Producers,” singing along to “Springtime for Hitler” and giving them standing ovations every night. Please, everyone, watch the movie. You will see what I’m talking about.