My 7 year old son is being held hostage by a terrorist organization. Their mission is monetary. They are greedy and calculating. The goal is pure financial gain. Their preferred method of torture is mind control.
Their name is Apex Fun Run. And they will stop at nothing to get what they want.
Not since the Girl Scouts has there been such an insidious enterprise designed to exploit and manipulate innocent young children.
The Apex Fun Run is clever. They show up at your child’s school on an otherwise normal fall day, claiming that they are there to help. But just like Rooster and Lily St. Regis, they are not Annie’s real parents. They don’t want her back. They only want the money from Daddy Warbucks.
Before they know what hits them, Apex swoops in and grabs all of the children. They herd them all into the cafetorium. They hold a “pep rally.” Physically fit young men and women dressed up in neon sports uniforms blast loud music and dance around to current pop hits. They whip. They nae nae. This is no pep rally. It is mass hypnosis. It is Jonestown all over again. And our children are drinking the juice.
“We come in peace,” they say. “We are here to save you from your taxpayers. They hate schools. They don’t care about education. They hate you children. They want you to go back to one room classrooms and outdoor plumbing. But not us. We love you. We want to buy your school new computers. We want to give each one of you an iPad. ”
“But we need your help. Your task is simple. One day very soon, there will be a “fun run.” On that day, you will run for miles and miles until we tell you to stop. Don’t worry: we will play very fun music while you run. We will provide you with very small bottles of water. For each mile that you run, your family will give us money. And we will give you prizes. These are prizes that you can’t get anywhere else in the whole world. If your grandma pledges that she will give $1 per every mile that you run, we will give you a small sticky hand made of plastic. Or plastic beach balls with our logo on it that we didn’t blow up yet. Get your dad to pledge $5 per mile and we will give you a rubber chicken. So, today, when you go home, you must ask every single adult that you know for money. We have a lot of really cool prizes that we definitely didn’t buy from Oriental Trading Company. These cool prizes include bracelets that allegedly glow in the dark and toy helicopters that will break the minute you get it home. You want those prizes. You need those prizes. Ask your aunts and uncles for the money. Go around your neighborhood and knock on doors, even if you don’t know your neighbors. Are they child molesters or murderers in hiding from the parole board? It doesn’t matter to us. We don’t care how you get the money. Just get it and bring it to us. And remember: if your mommy doesn’t give you money, she doesn’t really love you.”
During the “pep rally” aka Branch Davidian meeting, the teachers are also put under the Apex spell by their David Koresh-style leader. They are told to offer the children donut parties and extra recess for their pledges. Whoever gets the most out of state pledges in one day gets no homework for a week or a month. Fuck it, tell them they can teach the class for the rest of the year if they get their parents to put it on Facebook or Twitter.
The final act of mind control that is imparted to these children is to teach them the art of annoyingly talking about the fun run. The Charles Manson of Apex, with his toned abs and muscles, wearing his neon shirt, tells the children that they must keep talking about the prizes. They are ordered to continually ask if we can call grandma or grandpa to get them to up their bids. Their little brains are manipulated to keep going for hours at a time: just keep on talking about the free recess they will get or the pizza party they will have on Friday. If only they get more bids. More bids. More prizes. More bids. More prizes.
It’s the “Queen Bicycle Song” torture method. Just keep playing it over and over until your victim is so tired of hearing about it, they will do anything to make it stop.
My child is in there somewhere. I know he is. Apex can’t hold him forever. Even the girl from “King of Queens” managed to break free of Scientology. The fun run will be over soon. We will get our boy back.
But for now, I must forget about looming my student loan payments or that pesky mortgage. I gotta get him these bids. I gotta get him that money.
He NEEDS that one of a kind plastic spinning top. And he NEEDS the Apex baseball cap. He NEEDS all of the prizes.
And I really, really need him to shut the fuck up about all of it.